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Home is where you hang your cape

If a man's home is his castle, then a vampire's castle is his home. Hardly a vampire story passes into fiction without the description of a palace, mansion, or some grandiose house.

Who can forget Jonathan Harker's first sight of Castle Dracula?

"Suddenly, I became conscious of the fact that the driver was in the act of pulling up the horses in the courtyard of a vast ruined castle, from whose tall black windows came no ray of light, and whose broken battlements showed a jagged line against the moon-lit sky" (Stoker 13).

Gone is the time of the folkloric revenant, who passed daylight hours in a water-logged caves or crawled from the graveyard beds at first signs of night. Nowadays, even the vegetarian vampires have a veritable palace, albeit it's made largely of glass, which won't help at all to hide their sparkly skin in the noon-day sun. On the plus side, it's easy to see a mob of angry villagers with torches and processional crosses approaching.

But, before the Cullens decided to prettify vampire imagery, the residence of the vampire was depicted as large, dark, and well-secured. Anne Rice describes countless mansions, palaces, and island fortresses that serve as nighttime dwellings for her immortal characters. The castle may change according to the standard of the time, but her vampires often live well. At times, the image of the vampire is nearly inseparable from the spooky fortress that encloses him.

Even one of the oldest of vampire fictions, Varney the Vampire, touts a large manor as an important issue to the vampire. I'd like to be more specific with this example, but I am not able to wade through the bloated dialogue of that ridiculously long penny-dreadful looking for an acceptable quote to back my claim, at the moment. So, take my word for it, or read it yourself.

"Why is Ana so busy?" You may ask...and inevitably someone will.

I'd like to respond, "Writing little blog articles to explain the intricacies of vampiric existence is not the most entertaining or important use of my time", but I should refrain. So, I will tell you that relocation has rendered me too busy to re-read the melodramatic series in the hope of finding the source of the vampire castle. Yes, I have relocated, and that is precisely my point.

You see, castles are horribly impractical for the vampire. Limelight living is not something for which vampires aspire. Let's face it, ostentatious dwellings draw attention. I know. We've all met Sunday drivers who decide to pass their time gawking at and yearning for the homes of the rich as they drive two miles per hour through residential streets. Who wants this sort of attention? Frankly, I don't.

Anyway, once a vampire has hung around the neighborhood long enough, the locals will notice strange habits and feel snubbed by the repetitious refusal of dinner party invitations. All this doesn't even consider the expected life-cycle of a human. Moving away for half a century only to return, claiming to be the grandchild and namesake of the previous occupant, won't work. Why?--paperwork.

Boil it all down, and I'd prefer a cozy little crypt over a palace. But, since graveyards are full of decaying bodies, I'll settle for an inconspicuous little hovel with thick walls and a low security deposit--just in case I have to skip town in a hurry.

Oh, and obliging landlords with few questions certainly make things easier.

Greetings,
Ana

Night Vision

"According to Abraham Van Helsing, the voice of authority on vampires in Dracula, the vampire can see in the dark" (Melton 755). This little perk of vampirism comes in handy as the blood-drinker lurks in a shadowy recess waiting for his prey to stumble by him.

Vampiric night vision is a logical assumption, "because vampires [are] nocturnal creatures who [move] freely in the darkness of the evening hours" (755). In order to feel comfortable and secure a creature should be able to use all available senses, so a vampire must be able to see at night. But, let's be honest, you can see at night, too. You just can't see very well.

Nocturnal creatures cannot perceive an environment that is totally dark, either, unless they employ another means of navigation. The bat, for instance, uses sonar. The viper utilizes infrared. Often the vampire is compared to both of these creatures, but can a vampire truly see when the world is devoid of light?

Before we continue further, I will admit that I have rather poor eyesight. I mean, it's probably still better than yours, but I shouldn't brag. Once again, I am an unreliable source of information. My eyes are not equipped with infrared sensors, x-ray emitters, or sonar receivers...but, I really wish that they were; that'd be cool.

Anyway, let's examine what fiction and folklore have to say. Then, we'll discuss the scenario as I...ahem...see it.

In folklore, vampires emerge at night, and in some tales cannot withstand the solar rays. However, vampires are rarely afforded a narrative voice in folklore, and we cannot assume that they possess heightened night-vision just because they are nocturnal.

So, we'll turn to fiction. Certainly, Stoker bestows keen nocturnal sight on his undead characters. Human narrators describe dark scenes through which the vampire navigates flawlessly. In more modern fiction, nearly always vampires are ascribed preternatural sight, including powerful night-vision.

Nina Auerbach points out that Rice's vampires "do little, but they are superb spectators. When they are not killing, they flex their highly developed vampire sight" (154). Not only do Rice's vampires see well in very low light, but they also see well in illuminated scenes. Louis notes how his vision changes--he sees the world through new, vampiric eyes--when he transforms from human to vampire. Armand, as Amadeo, records how lights glow brighter after his death, and paintings seem to come alive. Colors are also bolder, and patterns are more distinguished.

When I argue with Anne Rice, readers of my blog become disgruntled. You'll be happy to know that I'm not contradicting your vampire-guru author...well, I'm not contradicting her overtly, anyway. Vampiric vision relies on acute perception, which is sensing and mentally translating the environment, instead of sonar, infrared, or any other seemingly magical catalyst of night vision. Vampires are nocturnal and are therefore more accustomed to the dark version of the world than diurnal humans. Looming shadows fail to startle the vampire, who realizes that they are nothing more than inanimate objects. Small movements register sharply in the peripherals of the vampire's vision, and he knows to react to these tremors.

So, does a vampire have night vision? Of course, he does. And, unlike you, he understands what he sees.


See you soon,
Ana

Note: Hey, it could be worse. I could have babbled on about the natural bleaching of rods and cones and the regeneration cycles of cells...just think about that.

Sources:
Auerbach, Nina. Our Vampires.
Melton, J Gordon. Vampire Book.

So, you're in love with a vampire?

Dear human,

I've told you countless times that vampires don't love you as anything other than a tasty treat. I'll be honest: I don't care if you believe me. Your propensity to cling to the romantic notions perpetuated by vampire fiction makes my continued existence just a little bit cushier. After all, dinner is so much easier to woo if it thinks that you mean no harm. So, why do I insist on extinguishing your dreams of vampire romance? I guess it's because I prefer to play with my food, but I don't always like it when my food plays back.

Now that I've cleared the air, I'm going to tell you what you really want to know...
(I know that you do, because it is the most asked...and therefore the most ignored...question that I receive)

How can I attract a vampire?

Really, you don't need to do anything other than be human. Your little beating heart, your warm blood, and your sweet life will be enough, should a vampire be lurking around. But, how can you make him (or her) pick you over all the other little lamb chops in the market?

Rules for attracting a vampire (as defined by Ana)
1. Be disease free.
This is a no-brainer, right? You don't like tainted food, either...Do I have to mention the swine flu (if I hear H1N1 one more time...bah), the pandemic bird flu, or mad cow disease? So...wear a condom, don't drink each other's blood in vampire role-play, and, for everyone's sake, wash your hands.

2. Eat well, and eat often.
I like my food well fed. Forget pale, skinny, and generally undernourished specimens. That look may be all the rage with Twilight lovers, but real vampires like a meal with a little meat to it...even if liquids are preferred over steak. It should go without saying, but eat healthy food...please (I must really mean it if I bothered to write 'please').

3. Don't ask a lot of stupid questions.
No one likes that about you.

4. Stop whining.
Bella, Elena, and Sookie have the whiny-little-human down pat. Come whining to me, and our relationship will last less than ten-seconds...five if Lucius is around.

5. (On the same note) Don't be bossy.
Let your elders do the bossing. Seriously, if you don't want to be told what to do, then avoid relationships with vampires...like I told you to do in the first place.

6. Be interesting.
This is harder than it sounds. I've met a lot of people; most are dull. I've seen a lot of things; most are ordinary. I've heard a lot of remarks; most have been said before. If you want a vampire to take interest in you, then give him something in which to be interested.

That's it. That's how you attract a vampire. Curiously enough, all of those seduction techniques also work on humans. So, why don't you just go and get yourself one of your own kind? ...at least until a vampire decides to take you out for a quick bite.

Finally, I'm sure that you want to know why I tell you all this...
It's Valentine's Day, that's why. And, I'm a firm believer that Valentine's Day just isn't the same without a little bloodshed.

Pucker up,
Ana

Eat dirt

"[W]e call ourselves vegetarians," Edward says ominously (Meyer 188).

We've all heard the jokes (or made them); they're impossible to resist. There is a moment when you tilt your head to the side, scowl, and speak out loud to the character: "Edward, dear, Bambi is not a vegetable."

However, taxonomic confusion is not the point of this tirade. A question has been raised repeatedly. Can vampires feed on animal blood?

For my answer, I will pilfer the dialogue of Edward Cullen...again. "If someone dared you to eat dirt, you could, couldn't you?" (Meyer 207). Add in the condescending tone for authenticity's sake, and then contemplate the following. A vampire can consume animals, just as you can consume human blood. But, the ability to ingest a substance does not equip that product to be a diet staple.

Before you panic and ask a load of questions, I will pause and address this one: Can humans drink blood? My answer is: Yes, of course they can. Many do. Now, I don't know whether or not drinking blood makes a human sick. Certainly, I've seen humans vomit after consuming blood, but this may very well be the result of a mental reaction to consuming a taboo substance. I don't know, but I don't suggest doing it. You already know that I'm wary about the spread of disease; consequently, I've never explored the subject of human consumption of blood in a scientific manner. Ask someone else.

Now, I'll refer you back to my point. A human can drink blood, but that doesn't mean that a human can live by consuming blood alone. It lacks the nutritional value that humans receive from a varied diet. Humans are omnivores. Vampires are sanguivores...not vegetarians. Humans are generalized (not strictly adapted). Vampires are specialized (physiologically adapted to a specific function). While a vampire may derive some sustaining value from animal blood, it lacks the specialized ingredients that the vampire needs.

The staple of the vampiric diet is human blood. Live with it or die by it. It really doesn't matter to me. But, if you keep asking me to try a diet of animal blood, then I will insist that you try a diet of dirt and see how you fare.

Bah,
Ana


Sources:
Meyer, Stephenie. Twilight. Little, Brown and Company 2006.

Vegetable Art. [Photo]
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_YRHyDLnGwC4/SSyVli9wscI/AAAAAAAAAe4/sWpN31GZGk4/s1600-h/vegetable_art%2520%288%29.jpg

Faster than the human eye

Flurrying fingers script the newest stories. Vampire fictions explode from the presses, and novels pile up in bookstores. Tales of blood drinkers are spun rapidly in unrelenting succession. The question is: Can vampires keep up?

Before innumerable writers invaded the genre, one novelist pumped out vampire novels, and she did so at a tolerable rate. Those days are gone, and there is no hope for a mortal to read every page written about vampire lore (prove me wrong; I dare you), but could a vampire? According to Anne Rice, vampires "read at preternatural speed", but such proficiency is to be expected, since her undead creatures tend to sprint faster than the human eye can follow (Armand 386). And, if a vampire can move faster than a human, then it's logical assume that he can read faster, too.

But, how fast are vampires, anyway? Marius' claim to "travel so fast that the world itself become a blur" is surely an exaggeration (169). Isn't it? Rice consistently raises the idea that vampires move quickly, swiftly, and abruptly. It's startling.

In the video version of Interview with a Vampire, Daniel pitifully asks "How did you do that?", referring to Louis' speed. "The same way you do it. A series of simple gestures," Louis answers with astonishing accuracy. "Only I moved too fast for you to see. I'm flesh and blood, you see," he continues. He's only flesh and blood?...I'd buy that. But, he claims to move faster than a human can perceive…Well, at least he doesn't dawdle.

Isn't that a terrifying thought?--A silent, invisible killer who brings death with a bite. If only I could get my hands on one of those vicious blood-drinkers.

Sere,
Ana

Sources:
Rice, Anne. The Vampire Armand, Interview with the Vampire, & Blood and Gold.

Stake your life on it

In this exposition, I generally steer clear of certain topics. Chief among the taboo subjects is: How to kill a vampire. Having said that, I would like to discuss the stake.

"What brought about this change of heart?" you may ask. Others among you may be angered that I am exposing such a delicate subject. Let's face it: the idea that staking a vampire will kill him (permanently) is not a hidden secret. "The most well-known way to kill a vampire" is to stake "it in the heart", so we're all familiar with this morbid practice (Melton 645).

However, you may not know the history or extent of staking. "The idea of staking the corpse of a suspected vampire or revenant was quite an ancient practice. It was found across Europe and originated in an era prior to the widespread use of coffins" (Melton 645). Presumably, these ancient people had trouble keeping track of their corpses. Vacant tombs were attributed to vile, demonic forces because it was more reasonable that an unseen evil had kidnapped a body than that wild animals had eaten someone's beloved. The practice of staking the bodies of "persons suspected of returning from their graves" was developed "as a means of keeping them attached to the ground" (Melton 645). You might note that in the ancient legends, the stake did not destroy the vampire, it simply restrained it.

"Once coffins were in popular use, the purpose of staking changed somewhat. Where previously the object of the staking was to fix the body to the ground, the purpose of the staking became a frontal assault upon the corpse itself." Instead of restraining the vampire to his grave, the goal become to rid the world of the vampire. In Bram Stoker's famous story, Dracula, the idea of staking a vampire to terminate its existence is seen in the destruction of Lucy. "Lucy's three suitors and Van Helsing enter the undead Lucy's tomb and truly kill her, driving a stake through her heart..."(Dracula xvi). Eventually, the practice was prescribed as a preemptive strike against a possible revenant. "By attacking the heart, the organ that pumped the blood, the bloodsucking vampire could be killed" (Melton 645).

So, does it work? I won't say.
But, I will warn you of this:
While you may not land a lucky strike with a pointed stick, a vampire can quite easily slay you with the same weapon you drive against him.

Sources:
Melton, J. The Vampire Book
Stoker, Bram. Dracula.